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Listening can save lives
THE documentary Daughters of Abraham examines the aftermath of a suicide bombing in Israel in March 2002 following carried out by a 17-year-old Palestinian girl from Deheisha Refugee Camp, and the life of a teenage girl victim of the attack. It was produced and directed by Hilla Medalia, a 27 year old Israeli, as part of her graduate studies at Southern Illinois University Carbondale. The two young women passed each other in the entrance to a grocery store as the bomber detonated the explosive belt she was wearing. This was not an overtly political film, but one that explored the lives of the two girls' families from a humanistic point of view. The director interviewed the parents of both girls at length to come to grips with their personal stories - and in hope of reaching some awareness and understanding on both sides. Following a screening of the film I attended, Hilla answered questions from the audience. A number of people expressed their inability to understand how the Palestinian girl could blow herself up and asked if she had been brainwashed. Differences A Muslim man in the audience pointedly asked Hilla: "How you could be doing this to the Palestinians, why don't you just give them back their land and leave them alone". She responded that she could not answer for the Israeli government and was just waiting for those in charge to take control of the situation and do what is right. As we walked out into the cold night, a friend expressed discomfort
at the apparent anger of the man who had confronted Hilla and the
tension in the room as they spoke. |
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My response - based on my experience as a therapist - was that quite often just being listened to, feeling heard, by a perceived offender can act as an antidote that alleviates one's pain. Without crossing the line into physical violence, it is often important to express one's angry feelings at the height of a conflict, and equally important for the other side to listen to those feelings. In personal relationships this is one of the hardest things to do - to just listen and acknowledge the pain you may have caused another person. Furthermore, to put oneself in the shoes of another is a great challenge. It often takes a shift in perspective that requires giving something up.
Most of us would rather not relinquish even simple things that feel comfortable - a favorite shirt, a lifestyle habit, a long-held belief. We don't want to give up loyalty, or obligation, or identity. We carefully weigh the tradeoff and consider whether listening to another will bring us any benefit. In "The Wisdom of Listening" Mark Brady writes: "In Western culture listening has never been a prized pursuit, the way, for example, teaching has been. To pursue the desire to become a master listener requires turning away from the dominant culture, a certain willingness to explore paths few have chosen." As we left, still struggling with the movie's images, a thought tugged at me. It seemed to me that those who don't get to express their feelings, who never feel heard, are the ones who may be driven to violent acts. Clearly there is a history of injury and anger on both sides of this conflict, and it occurred to me that blowing oneself up is the ultimate act of making as much noise as possible - a noise that will be heard. It's time those in authority addressed the urgency of learning to listen to those who are in pain. It's the only way to set the stage for change.
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